Well, well... what to say about myself? I know that I haven't spent many years on this earth yet, but it still feels as if there would be far too much to ever tell!

This abundance of life I have been given, things of which I could never tell, didn't come to me through travel, or work, or other people, (indeed, my life has very little of any of these!): my life is full because of Jesus Christ, because Christ died to save sinners, of which I surely the worst of all.

Truly, what can be said after such a statement?? This may be hyperbole, but is there really anything else on earth to speak about but the Christ?? This is the Thing in my life, all other things are secondary; despite how poorly I reflect this at times. He is the Lord, He is beautiful, He is all and all. My goal in life is to see Him more clearly, in Him my everything is found.

However, as you may want to know more about me as a person, I will say some specific things about myself. I am a person who loves being home with family most of all, there are adventures to be had from time to time, but being with people I love is the most special thing. I have a passion for evangelism; I don't have the constitution for being a missionary, but, as much as I can, I want to be a missionary to the people I can reach: my neighbor hood, my city, even the Internet! My hobby is to draw, I draw all manner of fantasy creatures and characters from books I haven't written yet. I also love to draw cartoons of all kinds. Biology fascinates me more than anything else material in the world, to study what God has made is an amazing privilege. I am working on my degree in computer science, and yes, I am very much a nerd.

I was 18. It was 5 in the morning on December 2, 2008.

I spent my entire lifetime up until that point hating Jesus Christ with my every breath. So much so, that I sometimes would even refuse to have His name on my lips; if I had to discus Him, which I was loath to do, I would use some other name, any other name, than to speak the name of Jesus Christ - such was my hatred for Him. Not only did I hate Jesus Christ with my continual sin and rebellion, but I actively warred against Jesus Christ, knowingly, willfully. And anyone who loved Jesus as presented in the Bible I was against.

What happened next? I am not entirely sure; to this day I ponder the mystery of it all. All I know is that it must have been God; it must have been sovereign grace. I know that God reached out His hand and gave me my illness. After a few years only seemed to grow weaker, I felt in my body as if soon I would die. So, humbled in part, I sought answers. My mother had been a committed Christian as long as I had known her; I figured that I had better look into her religion with a more soberness since the end seemed so close.

Somehow, I found a sermon by Paul Washer. I thought he was entertaining, being so angry - but it also seemed to me that he was different. I heard the gospel then, but I didn't think much about what he said. I was still too proud. But later - a while later - after a sleepless night I decided to listen to another sermon of his that was all about the gospel. And somehow I heard for the first time with open ears about the glorious Christ, about the mercies of God in Jesus Christ, about the Lamb that was slain, about His majesty. And although I had heard it many times before, it seemed as if this were the first time.

I don't know much, I don't have a well-formed understanding of many spiritual things, but I know this: at that moment my heart was forever, forever, changed from hating the Christ to loving Him, desiring Him, thirsting for Him. Overwhelmed by His beauty I wept. I wept for the first time for someone other than myself. I wept for His great beauty, I wept for His death, I wept for my terrible sins against such an amazing Lord, and repentance filled my heart. I do not know many things, but I know that nothing will ever satisfy me again, and I will never be content with anything but the Christ. My hatred turned into a deeper longing than I had ever known; this can only be the supernatural work of God.

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I am writing this 3 years later to the day. A lot has changed since then, and a lot hasn't. Although my health is poor, in all likelihood I am not going to die of my illness as a young woman. I am forever grateful to God for all His mercies towards me, in my illness and in the partial remission of it. Another thing that has changed is that I have developed an understanding of theology that is deeper. It was a great struggle; and I was spurred on by trying to resolve the many doubts that arose, doubts that were sinfully held onto at times. But I have found the word of God sufficient - and many great men of old times and modern times to be very helpful as well.

But what hasn't changed is that I am still the worst sinner on earth, and Christ is still my only hope.

The Doctrines of Grace affected my life in nearly inexpressible ways. I will write more later... but simply, at first I fell into Armenianism; this was my natural tendency. A depression and a fear came over me as I realized that I was trapped, that if I could ever lose my salvation, surely, it would already have been so! Every one of my sins was infinite, every one seemed so terrible to me! I cling to the Doctrines of Grace with my very life, and against my natural tendencies - for if God is all, than I am nothing. But if God is all, than I am secure.

I am studying the Bible. At this time, I am also studying "Institutes of the Christian Religion" by John Calvin.

The most beautiful thing to see in another human being is the unmistakable mark of being changed by Jesus Christ.

And because I am a senstive and quiet person, I tend to get along better with gentle people who can think deeply and truly about life. I also admire those who have great passion for the truly valuable things in life: the gospel, the name of God, righteousness, their own family, the souls of men...

The whole Bible is my favorite scripture!

As for hymns, this one is close to my heart:

Lord, I Believe

Joseph Hart, ca. 1757-1759

Pity a helpless sinner, Lord,
Who would believe Thy gracious Word.
But, O! my heart with shame and grief,
A sink of sin and unbelief.

Lord, in Thy house, I read there’s room,
And venturing hard, behold, I come.
But can there, tell me, can there be
Amongst Thy children room for me?

I eat the bread and drink the wine,
But, O, my soul wants more than sign!
I faint unless I feed on Thee,
And drink the blood as shed for me.

Lord, I believe Thy grace is free.
O, magnify that grace in me.

For sinners, Lord, Thou cam’st to bleed,
And I’m a sinner vile, indeed.
Lord, I believe Thy grace is free.
O magnify that grace in me.

Feel free to email me at

crowsraven@ymail.com

I love to talk to fellow Christians anytime. :)